And so it goes on the Days of Our Lives
No, this is not a shout-out to my favorite 90’s soap opera.
Writing thank you notes is becoming more tedious than when we wrote out our Save the Dates and invitations. Of course that was because my husband did the majority of the work while I didn’t. Now he’s working long and late hours so guess who is writing the majority of them? She has two thumbs and this look on her face:
What goes around comes around.
We bought the thank-you cards back in July, not even a month out from our wedding day. I was determined to write all a hundred plus cards by the time we left for Scotland in mid-August, but every time my husband asked me if I wanted to write one, I panicked and ran out of the room.
But at this point we’ve waited long enough and if we keep waiting, I still won’t want to do them and they’ll just end up collecting dust and cluttering our apartment, and I hate clutter. Also, people will ask questions like, why didn’t you thank me for my gift, you heartless wench. We can’t have that.
The cards aren’t so bad once you get started. It’s a lot like my writing process nowadays. I walk aimlessly around the apartment until I spot a speck of dust, and then run to my handheld vacuum. Then I vacuum the cat hair, put the vacuum down, and continue to pace the apartment. I spot another cat hair, run back to the handheld, run back to the cat hair. My apartment is bigger than some apartments so there is a lot of running back-and-forth.
I sit down, a pen in hand, an envelope in the other. Suddenly I’m hungrier than I’ve ever been in my life so I go pour myself a bowl of cereal and sit back down. The problem is, is that I have two cats who love cereal milk so I have to hurriedly eat my cereal and then watch them duke it out for the remains of the milk. It’s not a pretty sight because they’re both shaped like sumo wrestlers. One is too mean, one is too nice, but before you know it, there’s milk everywhere and I have to clean that too.
After, I put the bowl in the sink and sit down again but damn, I have to get back up to wash the bowl and might as well clean all the counters.
We’re also dog-sitting right now so I’m like, Margot, do you want to go for a walk? Of course she does so I have to get dressed, she has to get set-up, we have to go outside, she has to be cajoled down the block. It’s a process.
Then we go back upstairs and before you know it, three hours have passed and look at the time! – my husband is home and it’s time to talk to him, like I haven’t e-mailed him articles, memes, and my thoughts on our Fantasy Football league all day.
He’ll want to watch Bojack Horseman in peace and I’ll be like, well, did you know what the cats did while I was home? I really think the youngest is in a strange mood, he didn’t even growl at the oldest. My husband will humor me and say, okay, I’ll have a talk with him.
Then he’ll ignore me and I’ll go into the bedroom to read but mainly sulk, and then pass out. I will wake up the following morning and realize, shit, I didn’t write any cards but I’ll definitely do it tonight.
I come home from work and I do five cards and I pat myself on the back. I’m in the middle of awarding myself a gold medal for writing five cards in six hours when my husband comes home after eleven pm and says he doesn’t think he can write any cards that night but he’s really proud of me for making so much progress, unaware I’ve only written five.
God damn it, I say, and promise myself I’ll write more cards the next night and so it goes on the days of our lives.
Part of me wishes that we had ordered cards with pre-printed messages in them so we can write ‘to’ and ‘from,’ and call it a night. Instead, I’m trying to write messages that are personal but how personal can you get with distant relatives and some people you met for the first time? I’m saving those for last.
Writing thank you cards is a good way to rehash old grievances. If you’re unhappy with a guest’s behavior, you can throw subtle jabs in there but I recommend nothing too bitchy because you know, they came and also, gifts. Like, “thanks for wearing shorts to our wedding! Everyone asked about them. Also, thank you for the cheese plate.”
I really love that cheese plate.
Another one that was scrapped: “thanks for getting wasted at our wedding! luckily, no one could tell because you wore so much make-up.” That shout-out goes to my mom, who got so drunk at our rehearsal dinner, she couldn’t stand.
Ultimately I’ll have to keep them to myself though. If my husband finds out I’m airing them on the page and then mailing them, I’ll have write to write a hundred plus apologies. No one has time for that – look at how long the first round is taking me.